


Zelda Phiona's Predicament

by TheDarkSideOfAFangirl



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Aftermath, Anger, Betrayal, Between Rage and Serenity, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied Relationships, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Not Beta Read, POV Female Character, POV First Person, Partner Betrayal, Strong Female Characters, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Zelda Spellman Needs A Hug, Zelda Spellman-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:34:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29483772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDarkSideOfAFangirl/pseuds/TheDarkSideOfAFangirl
Summary: This was Zelda Phiona Spellman's predicament. She was at a crossroads. She knew she was her community's leader, but why did she have to always be stoic? Zelda Phiona felt too much, she just did not know how to cope with all of it.
Relationships: Faustus Blackwood/Zelda Spellman
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Zelda Phiona's Predicament

**Author's Note:**

> My trusted beta is going through a lot in her personal life so please point out if there are errors (read so many times, i cannot tell at this point)
> 
> I made a 2021 decision to post all my old ideas and unfinished work so bear it with me...
> 
> Work written in July 2019 and inspired by personal things and song "You're Not the Man by Sade"
> 
> Appendix:  
> \- Witching hour: I'm using the peak hour, being 3am.

Zelda Phiona was a woman that had always prided herself on the fact that she did not dwell on things, especially feelings, even less, dwelling on her _own_ feelings.

She started reasoning with herself again, she obviously did not expect to find herself, dawdling… yet again. But this time, she could not act as if it had not stirred up dormant feelings, she could not deny the fact that it shook her, it shook her to her very core; _-and no, she was not thinking about trauma, no, in her case, much worse-_ thoughts abided with her, the words that were not spoken, the actions that were taken, the touches that were not exchanged and intimacy she thought to be unmitigated.

* * *

She sat comfortably on her favorite patio armchair, basking in the moonlight, but unfortunately not appreciating its beauty, she actually was avoiding gazing at the moon as of late, noticing how she _-the moon-_ would remind her of him, she breathed heavily, not wanting to walk down that road again, even though that was exactly the reason why she found herself outside, during witching hour, barefooted and wearing one of the thinnest nightgowns she owned, _-she would say it was the scorching late summer heat that had her out of bed at that time, but she prayed Hilda did not come looking for her; Hilda had been stalking her at night because she knew her sister was too quiet and she knew the reasons why. She did not want to pick up the pieces later. She had already done one heaven of a job in the past-_

A cool breeze passed through in between the woods of her chair, meeting her skin and sending little shock waves of pleasure down her spine. Her skin was torturously warm, and the contrast was very much welcomed.

She sighed again, “Ahhh Faustus”, she shook her head slightly and dropped her eyes to her lap where she held her whisky, the ice rocks already melting and she groaned knowing that the taste of it would be ruined if she continued to neglect it as she was doing.

"I'm angry at you Faustus." she voiced aloud, "I'm filled with such fury I never thought possible. Why did you leave me at a crossroad?" she socked the arm of her armchair, "Why did you deliberately do it? I thought we would always die in each other's arms…" _and she definitely did not speak of it in a romantic way. They were always so toxic that only they, themselves, could ever turn off the switch._

It was rather macabre that for the untrained eye, their past would have seemed so vicious and unhealthy, but not to them. Not to her. Their connection was so demanding, so overpowering, to the both, to the extent of mutual destruction.

"But I guess that was my problem, in the end I decided to drink all of you, to the point of intoxication. Why did you have to be so addictive? Why were you always _MY_ addiction?" she said to herself. She was fully aware of his asshole-ness when they were kids, and still she was always drawn to him. When they were over their first century, it was easy to rationalize all their actions. It was easy to justify the power he had over her view of life. At one point in their lives she was able to rehabilitate herself back to sanity. It was easier, at least. She murmured, "you were constantly rather self-centered but still you always put _ME_ on a pedestal. And yet…. You were _MINE_."

"They keep telling me that I'm the strongest and most powerful to lead them," _-She was their leader and felt capable of such tasks of course, She was Zelda Phiona Spellman, for hekate's sake-_ "but why can't I feel enraged? Why can't I feel alone? Why can't I feel abandoned? Why can't I feel betrayed? Why can't I feel utterly stabbed by your nonsensical actions?" she almost dropped her glass at her change in position _-she obviously would never let the children know, but it somehow hurt her that they were only and always expecting such commanding and stoic behaviour from her-_

Her mind went blank for a few minutes, her trying to enjoy the beginning of the blue hour, looking at the foggy trees and mist that gathered on the grass. She was brought back to her nasty thoughts by her need to hydrate. She took a sip of the amber liquid and changed her position again.

"Why did you put me in this position? Why did you present me with such an insurmountable fate? I don’t know what I will do… I am not sure what I _CAN_ do." she voiced _-This had nothing to do with her mystic abilities or leadership competences-_ She thought to herself, "What changed, Faustus? … still you crossed the line, you were living in your own make-believe. After more than a century apart, I did notice you had changed. I just did not want to accept and face myself in the mirror with the reality of being once again intoxicated, addicted to you." - _and she had already taken too much of him to be strong enough to walk away as easily as she might have done in the past-_ She went along with that charade as long as she could, but specially their kind, they succumb to their faults way too easily and as such, she drowned again. And she wondered if in a deep, very subliminal level she had already realized he, himself had drowned in the venom that this Faustus was, _but she simply did not want to accept it?_ At least, until she went back to him, until she realized he became capable of atrocious things.

She couldn’t eat properly lately; she couldn’t even sleep well anymore. _-Again, no romanticization, those were just facts, they might be witches, but a race that can be affected by their environment and affectionate connections nevertheless-_

She had been questioning everything, everything a marriage was supposed to be like, a marriage between their kind that is… but a marriage, nonetheless. She had been questioning her actions, her reactions _-or a lack thereof-,_ HIS reactions, HIS actions. She was tired of him. She was tired of him pervading her mind constantly. She was tired of longing for him. Tired of hoping to see him again. Tired of hoping to have him walk through the door. She wanted and deserved so much more. So, she couldn't keep waiting for him. _-she just couldn't-_ She was exhausted. She just wished she did not miss him anymore.

* * *

Zelda was beside herself for thinking about him all the time. She'd put this ok face up, for others to think everything was fine and don’t see that she in fact missed him. She missed him and she could not forget how he made her feel. Even though it was cruelly painful, she could not _not_ think about him. She could not _not_ imagine what they could have had by then; what kind of things they could have shared and accomplished together by then… all the things he could have made her feel by then…

"I hate it. I hate you. I don’t want to think about you. I don’t want to wonder" she almost whispered, she closed her eye, she could feel she was starting to hyperventilate, "I don’t want him inside my head. I don’t want to see his eyes when I close my eyes. I don’t want to feel his hands on me when I feel that traitorous breeze against my skin. I don’t want to see his smirk or him biting his bottom lip while he looks at mine in agonizing patience, waiting for me to press my lips against his."

She needed to make it all make sense or at least vent to someone, and since she knew she could not do so to her sister, in fear of having Hilda mothering and worrying about her, she chose the night as her witness, "I don’t want to hear his deep breathing and humming, when he presses his body to mine. I don’t want to remember his touch anymore. I don’t want to remember the ticklish sensation his nose would leave in its tracks while he kissed my neck" she was on the verge on crying now, "I don’t want to remember him. I don’t want to remember the feel of his arms against my thighs, I don’t want to remember his grip on my breasts, I don’t want to remember his light touches on my lower back. I don’t want to remember him. I don’t want to want him no more. I cannot keep on thinking about him."

She could now feel the few tears that stained her nightgown, in disbelief she touched her cheeks to make sure that the wetness actually came from her eyes. She gave up in that moment on how to be poised and collected. Shifting in her seat once more, she was getting rather uncomfortable, an anxiety attack creeping out while she tried to control the amount of water that now ran freely down her face.

* * *

_Where was the man that when we were alone would give me everything? Where was the man that would whisper sweet nothings in my ear whenever he felt capricious. Where was the man that simply got into my life and would not leave?_

_"_ You said you valued our partnership. You said you would never leave."

_Where is this man now? Where was this man the moment I married you? Where was the man that worshiped me every chance he got?_

"It’s funny how I knew both men, both sides to Faustus. I knew the public Faustus but the one I knew best was the private Faustus. And as daunting as the public Faustus might’ve been, I could never fear him. Or so I have thought…."

_I didn’t expect to have this constant feeling of disgust at the pit of my stomach when thinking about you. I also didn’t expect to have this constant longing for you. Wishing all this was a nightmare or some sort of sick dream._

_I feel this was a man you have long left behind and did not tell me, did not make me aware of this man a long time ago and I naively went along, let myself fall in line with this other version of you, but who was this man? When did everything change? I understand we left things unfinished but never with a finality sense to it…_

She brought the glass to her lips, relishing in the contrast _-yet again-_ with her warm lips, she took a rather big gulp of the liquid, letting it simmer on her tongue for a few seconds before swallowing it. It burnt, it stung, it made her not think _-if only for a few seconds-_

"You are definitely not the man I actually enjoyed letting take the lead, eagerly, matter-of-factly, because it felt even empowering to do so."

_Being addicted to you, I knew all your flaws, your sicknesses, your nasty side and still… You could do no wrong; I would embrace you and kiss you better. Where is that man now, Faustus? What happened to you? What did you do to that man? What did you do to the man that would move all realms to have me?_

_You are definitely not the man I had no doubt would fight for me if needed be. You swore you would kill for me, and bleed for me. What changed? Where is this man? Who is this man that instead chose to kill every single one of us… including me?_

"Oh, how I wished I'd have that Faustus right now. They one that would be rigid and composed in public but would actually shed a tear admiring my beauty, when just the two of us", she chuckled, _"_ funny how I am trying to reason with irrationality but what I most fear is that if you had succeeded…," she let out a loud breath, "in killing all o…," her voice cracked, "… all of us," she took another deep breath followed by a sip of her drink to try and clear her mind and sighed as the liquid went down her throat, _-she needed to say that out loud-_ "would you have noticed you might have not only killed me, but also your unborn child?”, she looked down at her slight prominent belly, she caressed it and let out yet another lament, “and more importantly, would you have cared? Who are you? What’s become of you, Faustus?”

_And somehow, seeing myself in this predicament, I find myself thinking about the stupid mortal romantic movies Sabrina, along with Hilda, made watch over the years. -And no, these are not hormone speaking, but it is definitely unusual for me to feel this way- How you said you would never leave, and now, when I feel I need you the most, where are you? The Faustus that I need…_

_She finally let herself laugh freely, "but do not flatter yourself, things are crazy and beyond ridiculous right now, but it is not all bad. Once again, I will be strong enough for all of us. Once again, I will be the one to lead. I am not the woman you used to know anymore either. Lots of that unripen woman is gone now. Specially after what you have done to this child."_

_I just wish I was not left with just the emptiness and memories of what we had before. I just wish I was numb._

_She let her glass on the floor and with now both empty hands, stroked her stomach as if lulling the babe inside to sleep, -she still could not feel any movements, but that fluttering sensation have already been her companion for some weeks now-_

_"That Faustus had everything and said he would always be here."_

FIN

**Author's Note:**

> My trusted beta is going through a lot in her personal life so please point out if there are errors (read so many times, i cannot tell at this point)
> 
> I made a 2021 decision to post all my old ideas and unfinished work so bear it with me...
> 
> Work written in July 2019 and inspired by personal things and song "You're Not the Man by Sade"
> 
> Appendix:  
> \- Witching hour: I'm using the peak hour, being 3am.


End file.
